so I feel I’ve grown a little bit this past year. I mean in the way I view myself in life, work, and especially dance. All throughout my matriculation I feel I’ve been a great student, good grades, and such. but I notice I would, although rare, would fail. I guess I knew I always had to study way more harder, till I literally could recite biological processes like the back of my hand. I had to study day in and day out in order to get something and truly understand something. I got good grades, but I guess i’m saying it was not easy. I truly work my butt off everyday. and I realized once I got to college, or even elementary school and high school, there are naturally smart people who get things right away when the teacher explains something. granted they may have studied prior to class but still I always would go the extra mile to study.
So I am saying this because….I’ve also learned the MINUTE I start comparing myself to others in all ways, I know I am going to fail or my self-confidence will psych me out. I took an EMT class and there were business students in it. and rather than studying my ass off first like I should’ve done and have done before, I was worrying about friends and being in class where I knew no one, and I started comparing myself. The business students would get 80s+ on all the tests and I would study knowing they were going to do better than me. Mind you I’ve been haunted about going back and retaking the course. Maybe I will sometime soon because I feel better about myself. and I know how to study for me and what it takes for me to get a good grade.
So when people see or ask me why i’m by myself all the time, it’s just because I know I do better on my own. The friends I have are my friends for a reason. I don’t go into something worrying about who i’m going to talk to or making friends. The friends will come, some will go, but they’ll always be there. What’s more important is focusing on how I, me, myself, and I are going to succeed. So in the realm of dance…
I dislike being compared to other dancers. Or being told that I dance like this person, or “model after that dancer.” I feel everyone or every dancer is an individual. How they approach choreo, their class etiquette, what they value when learning choreo. Now, after being in the dance community for a little over a year, I don’t care about looking like the person next to me or synchronicity. I don’t care about messing up. I care about interpreting the choreography and the message the choreographer wants us to feel or interpret ourselves. Maybe that’s why I feel I don’t do well on teams. Because, inevitably, and i’m NOT complaining, don’t take this the wrong way, but comparisons do happen. If not verbally, but internally. At least it happens with me. I see it in people’s eyes and on people’s faces when people point out who’s doing well or who are their favorites. And then the person or me strives to look like that person and it all becomes a competition. And I am the LEAST bit competitive person I’ve ever known. I am just here to dance. That’s all. And like I said that’s exactly when I know i’m doomed to fail, when I compare myself.
In life and in dance, I know what and where I would like to be. (not which profession yet lol) But I know what I have to do to get there. And what I need to focus on. I don’t appreciate people comparing me. So when it seems that I’ve checked out, it’s not to be rude, it’s because Id rather be focusing on what I need to do to get where I want to be.
Moreover, I do love the lifelong friends I’ve made this past year. They have helped me grow and gain confidence as well. And I am SO appreciative of that. Ive seen so many dancers expel their feelings thru their movements and that’s what drives me to do the same. So rather than compare I wish they would say look how he/she feels, look how he/she commits to their movements. Not look how he/she’s shitting on all of you.
Idk maybe I’m just talking but I love learning and excelling in things in my own time and in my own way. I don’t know if I’ve always been that way but that’s how I feel…There is no comparison in art.